urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prometheabound prometheabound prometheabound 2006-07-03T09:15:02Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prometheabound:12031 2006-07-03T09:15:02Z 2006-07-03T09:15:02Z laughter ... subtle knowing laughter change is my cornerstone ... my good fight ... ain't ironic how one user name is inspired by a man bound to a rock ... and the other equated with breaking chains.<br /><br />but the myth of a man was bound and suffured for giving fire [aka awareness] to man [funny how the greeks revere him ... him. the snake in the grass] ...<br /><br />alexander hamilton said if man were angels ... we would not need government.<br /><br />and i say if we weren't ment to die ... we'd be gods.<br /><br />but what are capable of doing is die and resurrect only to have the resurrection die again. and we can do it all again. many times if we are lucky before they finally have to put our bodies in the ground.<br /><br />even the act of resisting change changes us. so take comfort knowing that no one goes forward with the intention to become different ... the acting of going forward makes us different.<br /><br />tonight someone asked my if i'd be okay. and i wanted to say no. i thought that was the answer. what i said was 'i will be' ... the only thing that has kept me moving is a vague notion that there is a light ... it's just that right now i can't see it. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prometheabound:11740 2006-07-03T08:51:55Z 2006-07-03T08:51:55Z why is music my only option ... i'm watching the dead zone wow. though i know that six months may seem like a long time to some ... i was in fact a bit impressed that my last entry had ben so *cough* recent.<br /><br />:P<br /><br />but when someone only casually acquainted posts what appears to be so ... um ... pointed? ... an entry. i just can't resist.<br /><br />and while this will be a brief and without conclusion ... i do find public declarations of random thoughts to be a lost art and in need of mass revival.<br /><br />so maybe this does have a point ... 'tell a stranger' day seems destined for weekly celebration day.<br /><br />tuesday maybe. i tried sunday but wouldn't you know ... i shared a really off color cheer with a group of strangers one day ... and they came back.<br /><br />gnaw on that! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prometheabound:11337 2005-12-16T14:21:34Z 2005-12-16T14:21:34Z i've always been infamous for being a devout journaller of some sorts for stretches of time only to vanish into thin air for a bit ... until i pick back up again ...<br /><br />... asking ...<br /><br />'so. where was i?'<br /><br />i have been placating.<br />i have been rampaging.<br /><br />i sought dissolution.<br />... and was thusly dissolved.<br /><br /><br /><br />.the end. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prometheabound:11036 2005-05-25T20:22:58Z 2005-05-25T20:22:58Z i came all the way to the library with a disk full of stuff only to discover i grabbed the wrong disk. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prometheabound:10958 2005-05-17T20:07:10Z 2005-05-17T20:07:10Z why are you around <br />every one of my corners<br />these days<br />i leave you<br />tidily<br />in your spacetime<br />yet you have left<br />wrinkles in mine<br /><br />[this may already be in here but i don't know] urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prometheabound:10517 2005-05-17T20:06:26Z 2005-05-17T20:06:26Z one bottle for one glass<br />several games of solitaire<br />and the same album repeating<br /> a song of centuries <br /> crooners crying<br />seconds slip into moments<br />moments making months<br /> [calendars cannot hold these days!]<br />wastes laid for carrion eaters<br /> carcasses of craftsmen can't<br /> help me now<br /> too<br /> far<br />gone<br />for idle sitting and card playing<br />days of shuffling queens<br />not a king to be had at hand urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prometheabound:10419 2005-05-17T20:06:01Z 2005-05-17T20:06:01Z i can't find it ... i suppose it was on the disk that i have lost. how's that for a laugh ... the first thing that i've written in awhile that i hated even putting in print and it's now floating out there somewhere for someone to read as unflinchingly as i wrote it flinching.<br /><br />i could do it again though ... not a reproduction but the actual act itself. i managed to note that the process is interesting. if i am actually accomplishing the task i do so with a surgeon's detachment from the body ... it is no longer my flesh. but i get so little out of that 'sides words on pages. but if i dance ... if i hedge ... if i type while turning my head and peer at the screen through squinched eyes ... i feel the release ... i experience it as i assume i ought.<br /><br />i had so many conversations this morning ... so much insight and introspection ... so much good work ... and i never get any of this shit in writing. all of my greatest thoughts float into the oblivion of empty space. and it's futile to recapture it ... once it's gone it's done ... over. i'll never have it the same way again.<br /><br />so i wrote you a one act ... it's actually for you. i have come to grips with my inability to create fiction outside of the constraints of reality based fantasy. i can't give characters names. they are always people i know manipulated mirages of the perception of them and their applicability to contrive scenarios. i used to let that stop me. i was totally embarrassed ... wanting to refute that i could envision these plot lines only because i thought the reality of them was more desirable than the reality of the situation. they cold comfort was never in the play acting ... or the realization that they would never play out into truth ... but that i couldn't acknowledge how i felt about a situation. i avoid rejection ... by or of me. i win by failing to be there. such a load of crap ... but i thought it helped me sleep at night. i never seemed to notice that i wasn't sleeping.<br /><br />so i have a collection of these by now. i haven't been to the library in like a week. my library at any rate ... i tried to log on at another branch. apparently i picked the deficient terminal. fat bitch. plus my disk that i KNOW i left there was not in the lost disk bin. somebody has that bastard and is reading files not intended for them. peeping tom pervert. good for them for picking an x rated bag o tricks. don't people realize that T&A aren't things that should be restricted viewing ... it's thoughts ... subversive thinking ... unrestricted access to human psyche that we should shield ourselves from ... unbridled butt love is benign ... wallowing in mud and popscicle sticks ... questioning the life you have chosen to live ... that will turn one's stomach and make even the most stoic character look away. revelations are attempts best left for fairy tales and hallmark movies to provide for us. they are safer that way. we can nod approvingly between bites of our lean cuisine and talk about it dispassionately at work the next day ... "so i saw this made for tv movie last night ..."<br /><br />the satie i got is beautiful ... flawless ... and the timing is perfect.<br /><br /><br />i get so excited about what i've exerienced that i ... the rest is known ... by you [and the bulk of those whom i show myself to] ... i apologize for dwelling on an instance at work ... and for not truely grasping what you were trying to say about your exchange with jen ... you and your damn lack of expectation ... i know ... KNOW ... really i have had to make myself accept your honesty ... and i am more comfortable with it than before. now i no longer dispute your words or your [lack of] intentions, but processing by such constraints is new to me. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prometheabound:10143 2005-05-17T20:05:07Z 2005-05-17T20:05:07Z the ugliness of honesty<br /><br /><br />for all the truth of present exchange<br />there is so much pre-existance<br />nullifying everything and its appearance<br />some days shouts come screaming<br />this is not all in what it seems<br />there was this and then<br />should the present always be doomed to walk <br />the footpath of the past<br />is am what was<br />will it t'will ever be<br />can the slate be wiped so clean urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prometheabound:9793 2005-05-17T20:02:12Z 2005-05-17T20:02:12Z Heres something new and something old. I think, i need some time to heal. <br />So, stick a fork in me, because i am done.<br /><br /><br />my bridge has fallen<br />and im left stranded<br />without anyone here<br />without anyone there<br />all alone i stand here and wonder<br />if words will save me now<br />life is gone here<br />movement over there<br />but without sight<br />without knowledge<br />without love<br />all is for nothing<br />i could yell for hours<br />i could listen for days<br />and my soul would fall<br />away from my body<br />i would be left standing<br />empty and dead<br />but i persist<br />and wonder if i will ever see<br />that face<br />that voice<br />that love<br />only to fulfill the inevitable<br />its slipping away from me<br />im slipping away from me<br />and i think i must find a new bridge<br />leave this burnt passage<br />find a natural causeway<br />into my future<br />into a real life<br />away from this all<br />the spiderweb is sticky<br />and the poison has set in<br />if i go to sleep<br />i sentence myself to deprevity<br />and i will lose reality<br />taking this one instance<br />grasping my only chance<br />to escape my own trap<br />sown by invisible spiders<br />keeping me in this web<br />in front of this chasm<br />eyes locked on the unseen<br />trapped in my life<br />all i can do<br />is run away<br />from them all<br />from my binding<br />because i am not staying true<br />to who i once was<br />and wish to become<br />-------<br /><br /><br />GO ON<br /><br />go on acting like you care<br />never trying<br />youre only lying<br />saying you like me<br />but always acting<br />im worth more than you all<br />you say you miss me<br />but you never call<br />im sick of your games<br />so dont come back my way<br />because i am done with you<br />and your twisted deceit<br />visit your zombies<br />and lie to the stars<br />but i know who<br />my real friends are<br /><br />-------<br /><br />My only advice?<br />Stay true to something<br />Stay true to yourself, <br />because that might be all you have.<br />-------<br /><br />[for the record ... this shit is crap. but there are some gems of lines so i am loathe to distrupt it as it is. and for those whom would mistake me for pretentious ... well ... i am ... but i also know i can laugh at all that goddamn fucking angst ... somebody really ought to shoot me when i get that way ... or put me back in junior high where i can weep and whine with the best of 'em] urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prometheabound:9668 2005-05-17T19:57:05Z 2005-05-17T19:57:05Z words on pages ... happen<br />boredom staved for ... indefinate expanses<br />idle hands and unfocussed minds<br />lack predication for use of time<br />and lack thereof<br />despite a claim <br />reality will still hold other truths<br />poorly expressed tokens<br />leaping and bounding<br />typed erradication<br />whittled down to widgets<br />hedges and ponderances<br />best left for wordscapers<br />and archae-ligual-tecture engineers<br />[see i did it]<br />laugh and i'll punch you in the face urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prometheabound:9232 2005-05-17T19:50:44Z 2005-05-17T19:50:44Z dead air i have a buncha buncha that i've written and i figured it's high time i utilized this space as a sort of repository. here's the most recent:<br /><br />05.17.05<br /><br />i have fiercely maintained that i loathe editting ... that i believe it kills something of the truth found in raw communication.<br /><br />i contradict myself in that i edit constantly ... mostly in small rearrangements and minor replacements of words; but occassionally on a more grand scale.<br /><br />the correlation i am grabbing at straws for is that of the nature of contradiction and my own struggle with duality. i have finally come to see that duality is imposed. light is a wave, but when forced to be viewed through certain constraints it looses the ability to demonstrate all the characteristics it possesses.<br /><br />i still loathe editting but when forced to achieve the height of truth in my communications, editting becomes nothing more than a trail [a process] that cannot be viewed directly as our concept of chronology is never achievable in the present.<br /><br />this is why history must persist ... not an attachment to the past ... i am happy to say that is slipping away ... i cannot see this, but i feel it ... <br /><br />through the wake of existance some bright child will one day see a dimension that has been missed. the mind will evolve ... utopia will be closer to the ever unreachable hand. <br /><br />have i ever told you how much i love myth [of course i have ... rhetorical, you know] ... the story of adam and eve and the fig leaves is a tricky devil. how could the evolution of humanity ever progress naturally to a point where we felt shame? shame is imposed by others ... and the outcome of shame is the oppression of the righteous by the guilty. i am not righteous ... but i am tired of being guilty.<br /><br />i am ready to run away to europe ... and then to africa ... and then to indonesia ... maybe stroll into china ... re-integrate in japan ... and return with a camera full of film, an empty head, and technicolor retinas.<br /><br />but i have to go to work tomorrow ... you know how it is.<br /><br />resentful as ever,<br />:) jackie urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prometheabound:9189 2005-03-17T19:41:49Z 2005-03-17T19:41:49Z the mountain goats i quit my day job lala ... i quit my day job lala ... surprisingly though ... my boss is having a hard time understanding that my failure to show up much less call means that i'm never coming back.<br /><br />and as we all know at this point ... i am without computer ... so my sparse entries to begin with with be even more erratic ... though the great news is that my mom is sending money to help me purchase a new pc. now i just have to save a bit more in order to not get a piece of crap ... if anyone would like to give input on a decent mid-priced system ... hook a sister up<br /><br />[i really wrote this just for the subject line] urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prometheabound:8784 2005-02-11T03:48:48Z 2005-02-11T03:48:48Z dishabille \dis-uh-BEEL\, noun:<br /> 1. The state of being carelessly or partially dressed.<br /> 2. Casual or lounging attire.<br /> 3. An intentionally careless or casual manner. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prometheabound:8616 2005-02-10T20:46:31Z 2005-02-10T20:46:31Z i hate my job<br />but i have no hard evidence as to why<br />i like my managers<br />i respect them<br />i have no reason to feel otherwise<br />they have given me none<br />i prefer a majority of my new co-workers<br />to those with whom i used to work<br />those i don't care for<br />are no different than any co-worker<br />that i ever disliked<br />my schedule is different<br />but easy<br />i am not making the money i need to make<br />my main role with the company has completely changed<br />i am now a mere worker bee<br />worker bee with pedigree<br />this should not really bother me<br />consciously, i feel it doesn't<br />but i am beginning to worry about a state of denial<br />worry about repressed feelings<br />worry that i have done this for years<br />i never knew it<br />i still don't know what is lying deep urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prometheabound:8433 2005-02-09T05:14:07Z 2005-02-09T05:14:07Z perdurable \pur-DUR-uh-bul; pur-DYUR-\, adjective:<br /> Very durable; lasting; continuing long.<br /><br />i once thought our connection was perdurable, but your lack of communication has thus proved otherwise.<br /><br />[thanks bitch]<br /><br />[and a sincere thanks and *hugs* to you, gq] urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prometheabound:7982 2005-02-08T07:22:32Z 2005-02-08T07:22:32Z why do i insist <br />i can find warmth<br />on a bed of nails?<br />why send my heart on mission<br />that is in effect my holy grail?<br />why search for frozen comfort?<br /><br /><br />why did i think i could read an ancient thread and tell myself and tell myself and tell myself "i know he posted in here ... but i'm not thinking about that ... i'm okay with that ... it was two years ago ... nothing can hurt me now" ... why did i think i'd believe my own lies?<br /><br />you win. i lose.<br />i lose you bastard son of bitch punk mother fucker.<br />you fucking win.<br />go ahead ... snicker. point. whatever it is you do.<br />shrug it off ... give it a bah ... a yawn.<br />ask who they were talking about again ... oh yeah ... her.<br /><br />so i was a drop in the bucket<br />and you were my cellar of wine<br />i dropped from sight and mind<br />with less consequence<br />than i am apt to find<br /><br />you were my fair dream<br />t'weren't as it seemed<br />you succeeded<br />when i only feared<br /><br />some say tis not<br />to reason why<br />i say<br />it's not like i'll die<br />but damnit<br />a girl has got to try<br /><br />and maybe i'll try<br />and try and try<br />i'll cry, i'll try<br />until motivation dries<br />and when it happens<br />who knows when<br />i'll think back on it all<br />and grin<br /><br />but for now<br />i'll curse<br />but not begin<br />to wish it hadn't had<br />to end<br />you stupid s.o.b.<br />why ever must it<br />had been me<br /><br />[every day i still die a little bit inside] urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prometheabound:7736 2005-02-03T06:15:13Z 2005-02-03T06:15:13Z big o so take a happy thought: pbr in a can, big o, trsecting angles, adult swim, the internet in general, many of the bands i love<br /><br />insert sharing these things with wan who becomes in integral part of your emotional self ...<br /><br />then remove that wan but maintain the same level of interaction said things have in your daily grind.<br /><br />a recipe for making swampy eyes feel like greyer skies<br /><br />:&gt; you bastard &lt;: urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prometheabound:7482 2005-01-31T23:15:21Z 2005-01-31T23:15:21Z extirpate \EK-stur-payt\, transitive verb:<br /> 1. To pull up by the stem or root.<br /> 2. To destroy completely.<br /> 3. To remove by surgery. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prometheabound:7193 2005-01-11T08:02:21Z 2005-01-11T08:02:21Z cable is out and stereo is upstairs ...<br />tired and yet not sleepy<br />bored and yet not with out things to do<br />listless and yet not without caring<br />thirsty and yet not without drink<br />pained and yet not without inner calm<br />directionless and yet not without paths urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prometheabound:7124 2005-01-06T06:51:15Z 2005-01-06T06:51:15Z watching x-files every so often, she and i get on the topic of spirituality and paranormal events often related to said spiritual beliefs. she read a book by sylvia browne that really laid a foundation for her personal beliefs. i knew ms. browne only as a world reknowned psychic ... and seeing as i am fascinated by yet unbelieving of such things ... i asked to borrow the book.<br /><br />several months prior to doing so i was talking to a regular at the bar i work at ... sort of out of the blue one day, he told i should really think about applying to duke. i replied that duke had always been an option for me but while i was an extremely bright girl, ultimately i was not a dedicated enough student [at present] to make duke worth the expense. to which replied that i really ought to look into it because there were friends of his that he knew from his army days [he was a SEAL during nam] that were occassionally involved in research there ... then he goes on to tell me stories of how one of his army buddies died during one research project ... all very hush hush ... and continues with a story of a little girl like nine years old that was a focus of one of the studies ... they were having her bend large metal bars ... with her mind. he said she died during the course of the studies ... i knew duke had an extremely active paranormal department ... but that shit was blowing my reason.<br /><br />... and months earlier to that i met a guy who was best friends with the folks who owned another restaurant at which i worked. he always called me madame curie ... and after a conversation he and i had one drunked night he told me he'd get some info for me ... because i needed to contact a professor friend of his ... at duke ... who studied people's ability to do extraordinary things ... with their mind.<br /><br />now enough is enough. i have an almost obsessive relationship with paranormal phenoms. i don't believe in them ... simply because i have never experienced them ... and i am terribly jealous of ppl who have ... but dismiss their experiences as delusions of a trusting psyche. it's my catch-22 ... i won't believe it unless i see it ... and if i see it ... i won't believe what i see.<br /><br />furthermore, i can say i prescribe to the existance of synchronicity ... and events related to meeting ppl with whom i connect i easily attribute to synchronicity ... yet events such as these i dismiss.<br /><br />like the guy at the alehouse that night. i had been thinking that night of how i'd like to study holistic medicine, yet right now i see it as being cost prohibitive. so cathy, nikki, and i go out for drinks and i tell them of this ... and this guy i staring at me the whole time ... it kinda creeps me out. so we move ... he keeps staring ... so we mingle ... more staring. as the bar thins out, and last call has been called, and as we are making plans for what to do next ... he walks over. he tells me that i have a brilliant purple aura and that field of healing that i will choose is perfect for me ... and his voice is not one of casual conversation ... but has this prophetic air ... he said my curse will be an inability to accept payment for it ... because it is my gift and i will want to give it away to all those in need.<br /><br />it was an unsettling experience.<br /><br />so what do i do from here .... well right now, i sling drinks and throw parties for friends. i live in constant debt and struggle with crippling depression. i ripped my own heart out and ponder whether or not to eat it or return it to it's cage. and as usual, the possibility is always more comforting than the reality ... i am too scared too lazy to put myself out there. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prometheabound:6727 2004-12-31T07:08:29Z 2004-12-31T07:08:29Z futurama where bender turns into a person went to see sleepsound and io tonight at the cat's. i always enjoy the people watching. it was also humerous to see two ppl i recognized from a photo ryan once sent me ... but since i couldn't remember one of the guy's name, i never was courageous enough to say hello. i thought it maybe a bit inappropriate.<br /><br />anyway ... i was disappointed that sleepsound was not the 10 piece ensemble they had promised ... but i was pleased to see that they played on ... even with only three guys.<br /><br />per usu, it was just nikk and i ... most ppl had to work, one had no car, and the last merely punk'd out on us [per usu]<br /><br />the best parts of the night were the salmon dinner i made before we left ... and breakfast at honey's later.<br /><br />tonight was ... all in all ... a six point five. better than average but sub-fabulous. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prometheabound:6492 2004-12-28T05:23:19Z 2004-12-28T05:23:19Z new pixies dvd days seem to come and go to easily with not as much to show for them as i'd like. i'm always looking for an out but never seem to have the fortitude to walk through the door.<br /><br />of late i have just busied myself with throwing parties and getting stupid.<br /><br />the most unfortunate thing of the second is the state that this journal exists in ... it is insufficient ... lacking.<br /><br />then again my life has changed alot since the days that inspired it's inception. and by the time i got around to doing something about the prior inspiration, my thoughts had all packed their respective carry on bags and high tailed it to oblivion.<br /><br />"how bout another martini?" at my present job site sounds about as appealing as flipping burgers for wackdonald's.<br /><br />[vommick] urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prometheabound:6248 2004-12-22T08:01:51Z 2004-12-22T08:01:51Z ramone's documentary okay so not really but anyhoo ...<br /><br />the deal is this ... this past summer ... like june 22 or something i sent an email to mc chris's booking address. two weeks or so ago i get a response from some guy out of canada regarding booking for chris's n. american tour.<br /><br />i flip out. i don't know what to do ... i've never put together a show before ... and furthermore ... it looks to be an expensive proposition -- one that i don't think i could fund sheerly of my own devices.<br /><br />and yet i say to myself "nothing ventured, nothing gained" ... so i don't want to give up too easily.<br /><br />then again ... i put a fair amount of energy into gathering a bare bit of data ... and given its less than pleasing content, i had all but given up.<br /><br />then tonight i found an email from the guy again asking about a raleigh/durham booking ... so decided to bare my soul [not really but whatever] to this perfect stranger once more.<br /><br />so let's all cross fingers that i find a way to if not make the event happen ... then to at least exhaust all my options. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prometheabound:5896 2004-12-07T10:03:35Z 2004-12-07T10:03:35Z pixies ... any and all saw pixies<br />can die happy now<br /><br />but still want to see beck, bjork, and the beasties ... <br /><br />... oh ... and ween. i'd really like to see ween. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:prometheabound:5779 2004-12-02T06:43:24Z 2004-12-02T06:43:24Z yoko kanno how do you tell someone you hope they have a nice life?<br />what if you don't want to?<br />what if you never know what to do?<br />how do you just keep ... doing what you do?<br />... doing it without fail ... in spite of the lack of results?<br />how? <br />and why?<br /><br /><br />i have tickets to see the pixies on monday. i have tickets for the magnetic fields on saturday. i was looking forward to sharing the event with someone who might appreciate the shows. i was supposed to hear about the monday event by this past monday. i was told i'd receive a phone call or an email. it's wednesday. i've heard nothing.